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Family Friendly Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'General Off Topic Discussions' started by Dave, Feb 16, 2016.

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  1. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
    It gets toad away.
     
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  2. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
     
  3. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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  4. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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  5. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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  6. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    Tale of a Lost Senior Citizen

    When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
    He told me, 'I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
    I continued, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
    He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.'
    I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
    He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.'
    I inquired, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?'
    He replied, 'I can't remember where I live.'
     
  7. airshot

    airshot Ken SXS Nation Team Leader

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    A group of churches in a small town became over run with squirrels. The Methodist church was the first so they decided to build a slide into the baptism basin so the squirrels would drown when they slid into it. That method failed as squirrels can swim so more and more came to play on the water slide. They then contacted the Catholic church to see what they were doing. The Catholic church decided to make the squirrels members of the church figuring they would only see them on Christmas and Easter. Then they decided to contact the Jewish church to see how they were handling the infestation. The Rabi said they caught the first one in a trap and noticed he had not been circumcised, so they did that to the squirrel and set him free and surprisingly they have not saw another single squirrel!!
     
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  8. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    Why are frogs always so happy? They eat what ever bugs them
     
  9. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    Cupboard

    Rosie Hall buys a self-assembly, flat-pack, cupboard from her local Homebase store. Reaching home Rosie reads the instructions carefully, counts the pieces then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really great and she is delighted.
    Now, Rosie lives near a railway line and as the train passes by the cupboard collapses. Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Once more, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again.

    Rosie now frustrated and thinking that she must have done something "wrong" re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard. Shortly, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again for the 3rd time.
    Rosie is now fed up, cross and rather angry so she 'phones the customer service department. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a fitter to take a look.
    The fitter arrives and assembles the cupboard. Again, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the fitter decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, Rosie's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says, 'Oh, that's a splendid looking cupboard,' and he opens it to look inside.
    The fitter, who had been wondering how to explain his position in Rosie's bedroom cupboard, blurts out, 'You probably won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train.'
     
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  10. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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  11. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
     
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  12. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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  13. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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  14. Rockin Ronnie

    Rockin Ronnie Ron SXS Nation Team Leader

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    Someone broke into the city police dept. today and stole the toilet !



    Police have nothing to go on!
     
  15. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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  16. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
     
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  17. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    Q: Is Google male or female?
    A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

    Google it
     

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