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Family Friendly Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'General Off Topic Discussions' started by Dave, Feb 16, 2016.

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  1. GaryL

    GaryL Gary Moderator

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    That is funny Dave!
     
  2. Kudidl

    Kudidl Rick SXS Nation Team Leader

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    Hahaha
     
  3. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    Teacher: Will any idiot in the room stand up please?
    (a student stands up)
    Teacher: Why do you think you are an idiot? Student: actually I don't, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.
     
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  4. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"
     
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  5. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes. One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man. The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last parachute. The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left." The little lad said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left." The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack."
     
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  6. DukeNukem

    DukeNukem SXS Nation Rookie

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    Good jokes
     
  7. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    Dear Tech Support:
    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

    In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

    I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

    Thanks,
    Troubled User

    Dear Troubled User:
    This is a very common problem that men complain about.

    Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

    You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

    The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

    WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

    Best of luck,
    Tech Support
     
  8. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed, Desperate

    Dear Desperate,

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

    Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

    But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

    These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.

    Good Luck, Tech Support
     
  9. airshot

    airshot Ken SXS Nation Team Leader

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    Great computer advice!!!
     
  10. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    Employe: "I bet you $6,000 i can piss in your cup 30 meters away."
    Boss: "Ok I would like to see you try."
    Employe: As he moves on pissing all over the floor loosing $6,000 not caring.
    Boss: "Ha you just lost $6,000."
    Secratary: "damnit!"
    Boss: "Whats wrong?"
    Secratary: "He bet me $200,000 he could piss allover your floor and you would be happy about it!"
     
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  11. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    There is a husband and a wife. The husband dies, and during the funeral, the wife starts to laugh. Everybody starts to ask her why, and she says, "This is the first time that I know where my husband is going."
     
  12. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    Why is a traffic light red?…You would be red too if you were changing in front of people all day.
     
  13. Rockin Ronnie

    Rockin Ronnie Ron SXS Nation Team Leader

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    A little boy was setting on a curb shaking a pint jar with clear liquid in it and talking to himself
    A preacher walks bye and says What you got there son?
    The boy looks up and says A jar of the most powerful liquid in the world!
    The preacher says Oh you have a jar of holy water
    Little boy says No father this is the most powerful liquid in the world
    Preacher says holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world Two drops on a pregnant woman's belly and she will pass a boy
    Little boy Says No father turpentine is the most powerful liquid in the world two drops on a cats ass and it will pass a motorcycle!
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2018
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  14. GaryL

    GaryL Gary Moderator

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  15. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    A: "Why are you late?"
    B: "There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill."
    A: "That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?"
    B: "No, I was standing on it."
     
  16. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."
     
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  17. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    Knock Knock...Who's there ?...Dishes !...Dishes who ?...Dishes a great knock-knock joke !
     
  18. GaryL

    GaryL Gary Moderator

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    Groan. We need to find you a hobby! :)
     
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  19. Rockin Ronnie

    Rockin Ronnie Ron SXS Nation Team Leader

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    Three nun's walk into a liquor store and walk up to counter and one of them asks for a bottle of rum
    the counter man says I cant sell you rum your nun's
    The short one pipes up and says its for sister superior's constipation problem.
    He thinks for a second and says okay I guess and sells them a bottle of rum and they leave.
    A while latter a guy comes in and says you wont believe this but you have 3 drunk nuns out in front of your store. The counter guy gets a little ticked as the 3 nuns come stumbling back into his store and up to the counter and asks for another bottle of rum.
    He looks at them and says NO you lied to me! You said it was for sister superiors constipation problem.
    The little short one pipes up IT IS AND WHEN SHE SEES US LIKE THIS SHE IS GOING TO SHIT!
     
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  20. Dave

    Dave Dave Administrator

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    FB_IMG_1516213095320.jpg
     
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